I'll wait forever
by MyDearsAdorablesLovers
Summary: BLAIR'S THOUGHTS AFTER WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BAR. POST 2.23


_Hello, Upper East Sidders! Gossip Girl, here. A young french's written her first Blair and Chuck fanfic. She hopes you'll like it. It's after the most sad and beautiful scene we ever seen about our two love birds. Is there anyone who can honnestly say that they didn't cry or feel soooo saaaad and/or sick inside, after watching it? I'm sure y'all have had a sad night, thinking about them... but you still love them, right? That's not a question... By the way, be indulgent with her, there can be some grammmatical mistakes, because of her french nationnality. Anyway, she wanted from me to tell you to listen a sad and beautiful music when you'll read her fanfic, like 'still lost' that she discovered on a beautiful and very sad B/C video, or 'shattered'... Maybe she'll put links to her favorites videos on her account, later. Oh, so here are the rules for everything'd be perfect : 1st: watch the scene, 2nd: read it with sad music, 3rd: watch again the scene, 4th: watch beautiful and sad B/C video(s) and 5th: watch again the scene! What a program! Don't you enjoy? Anyway, tell her what you think. Aww poor B... Their love is incredibly hurting, sad, like a torture, make them feel dead inside, and though they love each other... it's always the same story, real drama... How will Blair break up with Nate? How will react Chuck? Will they get finally their happy end? Who knows? I can't wait to see that. I'll be the first to know, you'll be the second. Now do what you want, and don't forget hankies. You know you love me... XoxO... Gossip Girl. ;)_

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**Why**? Why did you just say _that_? Why did you just say what I knew you would say? I hoped that for once, you'd surprise me. But _I know you better than myself_, like you already told me. I knew that you'd say what I didn't want to hear though I needed you confirm it. But a part of me hoped that you'd contradict me, so that I'd be for once, relieved to be wrong about something. I can't say that I'm disappointed, because I know you too much to even think that you'd say something surprising... so your words just confirmed that I know you more than anyone else...

Chuck why did you just lie to me? I know that what you said is totally false, I know it. You're good at lies, but not for me; I know you too much for this. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I saw your face, your look. I have never seen you so vulnerable, so sad, so exposed…So…you. Not even at your father's funeral, not even when you came to me, this night where when I woke up, you were left god knows where for a month. It hurt me to see you like this, you were so broken. I was also broken to see you were hurt when I told you I was done. (I so wanted to comfort you, be in your arms, put you at rest... It broke me a lot to see you like that. I know you regreted. But I couldn't take it anymore, it hurt too much, even if be far away from you hurt a lot, also. Anyway, you do know that I'm not done.) But this time is even worse. And I shouldn't, but I'm glad to have seen you like this because of **me**. So don't tell me you were sincere, because **Chuck Bass** has not this look when, I quote "_it's just a game_". Damn it, why can't you just tell me the truth? I asked you to _look down deep into the soul_, the heart _I know you have_. But you didn't. You just lied to me, once again. Though I know it, it still breaks me inside. And I know that you know how much I'm hurt, like I know how much you are. _We're inevitable_, remember? Then why can't you just admit your feelings? I'm not begging you to tell me those three words, I'm not attending it from you, not anymore. Just have the courage to tell me that it's real, not just a game. Just the truth, Chuck, please. You know that I don't love Nate, I know you know it. He does himself. And though I don't like hurt him, it's one of the smallest problems I ever had. The only thing I really care about is **you**. But you're always pushing me away. You confirmed it a few hours ago. And then _you're right there_. The difference is that this time, I know you'll let me go. I read it in your eyes…and it's killing me. Because I don't want to be far away from you. It's physically and emotionally impossible. It's **vital**.

Maybe you think I'll be happier _without_ you; I'm pretty sure it's exactly what you think, and it is the biggest mistake that you've done. I'm not happy _without_ you. Yes, I cried a lot of times because of **you**, and yes, no one will ever be able to hurt me like **you** do. But only because you're pushing me away. The only way to be happy like you want me to be is to just let me in. I'm not asking you to have an official relationship, going to the movies, holding hands, whatever… Just have your confirmation about the feelings I know you have for me. Even a simple "_yes_" was enough, when I asked you tell me if it was real. One word, nod, a smile, whatever. Your eyes say everything; but _they didn't match with your amazing mouth_, when you told me that _I was free to go_.

I can't stay with Nate, anyway. I thought it would help me to not falling down, but it doesn't. **You** are the only one who does. So yes, I'll be alone and more vulnerable than ever, but I can't take it anymore. I want you to know that I prefer suffer for or because of you than fake a happiness that I do not feel at all. **Not without you**. Being with someone that I'm not in love with, hoping that the one I truly deeply love will be jealous and will fight for me like I did to have me back... it didn't work. On the contrary. Why Chuck? You, who always do anything to won… How can you _seriously_ think _I deserve better_ when you know that I want _no one else_ than **you**? Even if I did, you know how much **I don't care**. Then why acting like this, knowing **it hurts me as much as you**? **I'll wait for you**. I Promise. As long as it has to. But I don't know how to convince you that you actually are the one who would make me happy _more than anyone else._ Trust me. I know it. Why can't you see it? Why can't you love me as I do? Thinking that pushing me away is the best way to make me happy, **without **you, thinking that with time, I won't be hurt anymore… This is _the worst thing that you've ever done_. That you still do. But I told you, one day, that _I will stand by you through anything_. Those **three words**, I meant them, and probably always will. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to say them again, though. I just need you so much. Why can't you be self-confident when you see that people believe in you, when _you are the only one who doesn't_... It's true, and it's to help you, then why do you reject it (_us_) and still do not believe in you? I hope you don't think we do that to make you feel _weak_. Not at all, you're not, oh no, _really not_. I told you _I'll always be here_. It's not because some things have changed that my feelings and thoughts also have. They'll never.

I have to move on, to build my walls even higher and stronger than they already were, to support it. But I know that when you'll be finally decided, they'll break down. I let them fall only with you. It's not like if I wanted, on the contrary. But I can't help. **I'll wait, Chuck**. It's destroying, torturing and killing me, but **I'll wait**…and though it seems incredible, I still have hope that one day, you realise. Realise that I only am happy **with** you. That I don't want you to decide for me who or what I deserve. That I want you to be selfish. You always have been…except when I'm concerned. Well, now. (It was so hard when I saw you were gone, your father's funeral night. You have no idea. I had tried to comfort you, and instead of stay for being better, so that I'd be too, you left. _This_ was selfish...and I hated you for it. But when you came back, I couldn't help being relieved, despite all what I have planned to spat on you. You were oh so broken, it was killing me, and I forgave you everything, though I was in a lot of pain because of all your cruel words and acts.) Dammit, for once I want you to be, you're not! Please, Chuck, please. I gonna die, I feel like if I am vomiting every time…

There's one thing you'll never be able to do, though: you can't make me stop loving you. Sometimes _I hate you_, and it happens that I wish that I never _fell in love with you_, but I'm not serious. I'm only mad at you to be so **perfect** to me. Even your faults become qualities, this is silly. Just **let me love you**, and it'll be sufficient. I'd love you let me in, you open your heart to me… But like I said before, I only want you to let me know that **you love me**. Just by a small sign, even insignificant. Then _I'll be able to wait for you **forever**_**.** **I'll wait.** But it'd only be easier if you helped me… Please, it's the only thing I want from you. Please. No, there's another thing I require : _I don't want you going anywhere. _Don't dare you to leave me again, if you want me to be happy, if you don't want to kill me, to make me feel even worse than I already have been (and I already felt really really bad, like I had never before... -notably when you spat on me your "_that's too bad";_ I was so shocked that I couldn't move- Imagine something worse is an horrible _nightmare_. I don't think I'd survive). Anyway, I really don't want to make you culpabilize. I think you already do... Just... **stay.**

After what happened today, I was so angry at you. How the hell had you the right to make me feel so much things in the same time? How could you have so much control on me? Most of all, despite all of it, all those bad feelings I had, my heart always beat _faster and faster_ when you're around me, or even when I dream or think about you... HOW the hell can you make me being so... so not **Blair Waldorf**? But I fastly became so broken. And I knew that I had to renounce any hope, that it was truly _over_, that I didn't have to expect anything from you, then. But right now that I'm torturing with my thoughts, alone, in the middle of the night, looking at the moon while I'm suposed to be asleep, I know that I do. Maybe that I know you more than anyone (even me) so that you didn't surprise me at all, I also know that you'll always do, in very truth. You had several times. Not always in the good way, though. But you're unpredictable. It's just that those last months, I used to not be surprised anymore...

I know you'll open your eyes. You have to. **I love you, Chuck. I love you.** Don't even try to prevent me; because even if you do whatever to make sure I hate you, you know _I'll always love you_ and I'll never regret all what happened to us, even the worst_. I'll never regret_ what happened in the limo though I thought I loved Nate (because it's true, I realised it, I never loved him as much as I do love you. I only wanted to have a perfect life, and Nate was the perfect guy. _You changed me_, and I have to thank you for that). If I had to change something though, maybe it'd be that I'd never date him again... Or that I'd forgive you more often, or not reject you, or even realise that you were an amazing person and **the one** for me sooner... I don't know. And despite all what you have done to me, I only blame you for one thing : to think you're _not good enough_ for me. I'll always do love you. **You're hurt, I'm hurt**. (It's even harder when **you**'re broken) **We're Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck.** And you and me both know **there's us. ****I'll wait for you.** It gonna be very hard, but I'll take it, and the day you'll come, though it won't be easy and that I'll want to spat on you all the _horrors_ you've done or said to me, that I'll want nothing else than _reject you_ like you did so much times, I won't be able to do anything else than be **happy** like I've never been, will let you in and love you more than ever, because I know I won't be able to support all this _pain_ once more... Not anymore. So when you'll come, then you'll understand that there was no reason to think we couldn't be _happy _**together**, that I always have been and always will be **completely yours**. And that nothing, no one can separate _us_ **forever**. You said it… _We're inevitable._

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Hey guys, I had planned to do only 1 chapter, but I'm wondering if I won't do 3 or 4... What do you think if all what I write became a letter she writes for herself, and after we'll have finally seen 2.25, she gives it to C. ?? lol

So, I also wanted you to know that I began to write this fanfic Wednesday morning, when I hadn't class during an hour, and that I wrote it on my computer on the afternoon, but inch by inch, more and more ideas came to my mind, so it's very longer than I thought it'd be!! That's why it's only online right now, though the next episode comes Monday!! Sorry... lol

Anyway, hope you enjoy it! And let me know your thoughts! Maybe I wrote too much thoughts, uh? I mean, like I told you before, it was supposed to be shorter, but I can't help writting a lot... lol I don't know if I should have wrote it shorter, focusing only about 2.23 and not what had happened in some other episodes... So... Any thoughts??


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